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mill

by piglet

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about

"The song mill is about how my understanding of my own transness/queerness has evolved and how much better I’ve felt since I realised that my gender and sexuality don’t have to be easily definable and unchanging.

I think when I first had to defend my queerness from criticism , I resorted to the explanation and understanding within myself that I was ‘born this way’ and therefore ‘its not my fault ! let me love who I want to and live how I want to’ – which sometimes worked !

However as I grew up I experienced my understanding of myself shift , I started being attracted to types of people I hadn’t been attracted to before , and I was like ‘ahhh– if I wasn’t born this way – then why am I like this ? how do i legitimise and understand myself ?’

When I first came out as trans in liiiike maybe 2014 (?) I didn’t know many other trans people really and I had only just realised that I could even BE trans (I only knew about the existence of trans women , and my understanding of their existence was limited to their ~terrible~ media representation at the time) . when I started to understand myself as a trans man I did so through the masculinity around me , societal gender norms , and through the doctors who I was trying to get to diagnose me with gender dysphoria (I knoooow lol!) so that I could access the healthcare I needed to live comfortably .

in order to gain legitimacy in the eyes of doctors , the people around me and , initially , myself – I felt I had to conform to a typical masculinity and to express that I had always been this way and that I would continue to be that way forever .
basically , I was trying to understand myself and my queerness through the eyes of cis society and the people and structures who see our lives and experiences as lesser .

deep down I thought that if I did transness the ‘right’ way , i’d be fully accepted by society – but honestly that’s just not true
and anyway , I don’t want acceptance any more , I don’t want to measure my masculinity up against cis masculinity , I don’t want to learn to fit in and ‘be a man’ in the ‘right’ way . maybe I wasn’t born this way , maybe I was , honestly I really don’t care how it is that i ended up being me , its too confusing a question and cis ppl never seem to have to answer it so im not going to bother either !!!

the important thing is that I feel really ok in myself now that I have accepted my capacity for change as a positive and exciting thing – not something to fear or be feared.

massive love and thanks to the people who helped me understand and love myself , to the trans people who came before us and created the spaces that we now occupy , and to every trans person who’s just getting up and doing it every day , youre gorgeous xxx" - Charlie (piglet)

lyrics

Everybody’s looking for it not alone in that lonely truth
Searching for reflection , common rhythm , other people like
you
Hardly recognise myself in photographs and long since worn
clothes
Evolved and changed i used to pick myself apart come
unsewn
This might pacify you , but it will hold me down
Let me out of my bedroom , i wanna walk around
Wanna go sit and talk to all my favourite friends
I’m so grateful i’ll never feel like that again
Much as anyone else is i am an imitation , a fake
Nothing feels as certain as a constant evolution and change
Might not look like who i am to you , maybe i never will
What difference does it make , to you am i a man or just ill ?
This might pacify you , but it will hold me down
Let me out of my bedroom , i wanna walk around
Wanna go sit and talk to all my favourite friends
I’m so grateful i’ll never feel like that again
I will always be changing
I will always be changing
I will always be changing
I will always be changing

credits

released April 21, 2021
Producer - Charlie Paul Loane
Writer - Charlie Paul Loane

Additional contributions -
Saxophone, flute: Alex McKenzie
Mix: Patrick King
Master: Denis Blackham @ Skye Mastering

Artwork: Frankie Fagerty

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